Humor
In
keeping with our organizational irreverence,
Waste
a LITTLE or ALOT of time here!
Laughter relieves MORTGAGE STRESS
Send
me anything you think if funny enough to make the cut!
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you
that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always
seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even
around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you
warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you
that communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good
meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili
sauce, along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped
off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili
cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying
to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance,
I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously
the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT
to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance
for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with
my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship
for some years now & would like to ensure that we
remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship,
I ask that you carefully review my grievances above &
address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue
this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO
SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely
out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear
me sing.
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